What’s it like being a law enforcement family? Being married to a cop.
The demanding police officer schedules can consume law enforcement families and children of police officers, but they do not have to. Police families have different schedules than other people include shift work, overtime, and court days. Here’s a story from my 11 years of being a cops wife that will give you a glimpse into what it’s like being married to a police officer. I share more stories and practical tips in my police wife course and heelsandholster: a police wife devotional book. I also have a blog about parenting police children.
What is it like being a law enforcement family?
During the mass closures of all live concerts and performances in 2020 and 2021 in California where we live, I saw a drive-up concert offered right off the beach in Ventura, California, and jumped at it. I asked Rick if he could take the day off and texted his best friend and his new girlfriend, who also were a law enforcement family, to invite them as well. We also invited some neighbors and their kids. We all planned to attend the concert with our families. Even though it was not going to be live, I was so excited to have fun with our friends again.
Two days before the concert, I remind Rick about the concert. He looks at his work schedule and realizes that he is scheduled to work. He tries to take the day off, but his boss says to him “sorry, we are so understaffed these days.” The priorities of the job and the city’s safety needs come first.
My first thought was of course disappointment. I contacted Rick's bestie and his girlfriend and our neighbors to see if they could still attend. They could all attend with their significant others, but I would be attending solo with my boys.
I spent the concert sitting in the back of my kid-filled mini-SUV. I was the “cool car" where all the kids hung out. I tried to enjoy myself. And I did! I danced and kicked my feet to the music while I chilled with the kids. Check out my brand new book for police kids, Boots by the Door.
Someone asked me this past week if I ever feel jealous of what other people have that are not police or first responder wives, such as their spouse's home at 6pm each night. I am not perfect and there was a moment that I looked over at Rick's bestie and his girlfriend sitting closely holding each other and missed Rick to pieces. But, I consciously choose to embrace this life. I am proud of Rick serving our community. He does God's work. So do I. I spent the evening with my amazing boys and their friends. It took me time to feel comfortable going somewhere solo and enjoying myself. I find ways to curb loneliness; read more here.
Is it hard being a law enforcement family? Why is it so hard being married to a cop?
Hard is relative. I strongly believe that each profession has its challenges. Being married to a cop is different and unique. Early on in our marriage, I was resentful. I fought the crazy schedules, Rick’s need to work out, and everything that came with this life. I didn’t understand Rick’s requests to use a PO Box or for me to not go to certain restaurants or run in a specific area to remain safe. Overtime, I have learned to ask Rick questions rather than judge him for his requests. As I have asked questions and observed that he was right about things, I have learned to trust him. Once I learned to embrace this life, I have also learned to surround ourselves with family and friends who support us. Because police wives are alone more than others, it’s so important to build a tribe. Our boys even attend a police supporting school. Unfortunately, there is a lot of police hate locally where we live, so we had to find one that they could attend safely. I discuss important ways to design your life uniquely as a police wife in my police wife course.
You find yourself frustrated with your officer's unpredictable hours, feeling like he's "married to the job," and juggling life and parenting alone. After Sustainable Police Wife, you will wake up each day looking forward to your day, even if your spouse isn’t home, working nights, and tons of overtime. The solo parenting days go by so fast, because you’re out having crazy, fun adventures with your children. You will feel supported by a tribe who "gets you" and connected to your officer.
Are police officers controlling in relationships?
“Controlling” depends on the perspective. Read my blog on this topic. I have found that in times when I have felt that Rick was controlling, it was because he saw something I didn’t see. One of Rick’s “odd” requests when we first got married was to use a PO Box. He said that if a perpetrator that he arrested was upset with him, he could contact a friend that works at the DMV to look up our address, so he didn’t want us to use it for anything. We use a PO Box at a mailing center that does not use the “PO Box” in the address, so we can use it for any address since some things do not allow the “PO Box” to be in the address. That is probably more detail that you wanted to know. I felt that this was a reasonable request. I share more examples in my video on how my police husband changed after becoming a cop. Other requests seemed weirder like the time Rick gave me a specific map of where I could jog after having our first son, Maverick. He knew I would want to jog on a road that he knew was crime infested, because it had cute shops to jog by. He didn’t want me to be unsafe especially with a child in a stroller. I share more details on this story in my police wife devotional book where I share 42 stories from my police wife life.
Police Family Resources. How to deal with the challenges of being a police family?
I have learned the importance overtime of trying to understand my officer and where he is coming from. One time, which I share more about in this blog, he was really upset that I let a maintenance guy into our apartment to check on something. He said that he could have seen that we had guns in the house. I called him “paranoid,” which was very unhelpful. It wasn’t until years later when he told me a story of a guy dressing up as a maintenance worker to rob homes that I saw where he was coming from. I don’t have blind faith in my officer, but I have begun to see things through his perspective more and more over the years. I ask questions, but sometimes he’s not able to truly communicate in the moment why he feels a certain way. I often must wait to truly understand. I try to accommodate his needs if I feel that they are reasonable. I push back if I feel that they are not reasonable. For example, sometimes I do need to use our address to get things delivered to our home, such as groceries, as a busy mom with young children. He understands that.
Perks of being married to a police officer? Benefits of being married to a cop
Have you seen the uniform on your officer? That solves everything! Just kidding. The perks of being married to a police officer include:
Private security: We have a Ring doorbell, which has a camera in our doorbell and on our patio, so our officer watches our house even when he’s at work at night. Can’t beat that!
Blue family: I have never truly known such a supportive group of women, other police wives. We truly “get” each other and it’s so lovely. See this on my Instagram page. Join our community here or even my new coaching program.
The “insider” knowledge: There have been times especially these last two years with riots going on that Rick has warned us about not going to certain places due to threats. We don’t see those threats on the news.
Benefits from work as a law enforcement family: Regardless of the challenges with the shift work and overtime schedules, Rick has the best health insurance, retirement benefits, and paternity leave. He’s been able to take a month off for each of our boys and other vacation and sick leave as needed.
I truly hope this helped you to learn more about what it’s like to be married to a cop. If you need support as a police wife, please join my email list where I send weekly devotionals including real stories from our marriage, prayers, and Bible verses.
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