My Husband Changed After Becoming a Cop
It may happen subtly or overnight, but it’s normal for your husband to change. I knew my husband for many years before he became a cop, and I could see the changes in his personality and physically. I discuss more about empathy for your officer and how to practically deal with it in my police wife course and heelsandholster: a police wife devotional book. Here’s how my husband changed after becoming a cop.
He will see the world through a new darker lens. He sees all of the bad things in the world that you and I don’t get to see. He may become more careful in going to certain places or allowing you to go to certain places because of the unique things that he knows. For example, I wanted to try a nearby Mexican restaurant. He said, “have you ever noticed they’re busy at night? It’s a prostitution ring.” WHHATT? I was shocked at first. Check out my husband’s memoir book Why is Everything Wet? I still am, but it’s become somewhat normal now for him to surprise me with a new fact he learned about a location. I have some funny reels about this on my Instagram page.
He will probably get into better shape physically. He may want to spend more time working out. Support him on this. Encourage him to get his frustrations out at the gym especially in MMA and BJJ classes where he will learn skills for work. This will benefit him physically and mentally. I talk more about this is my blog on being a supportive police wife.
He may want to spend more time alone or cozy at home. Your home will be his safe space. He works in a hyper-stimulating environment where he has to be hypervigilant. He can relax at home. Let him do just that. Enjoy peace and quiet with him.
He may want added security for you. I share more about this in my blog, “Are police officers controlling in relationships?” We love our Ring Doorbell. My police husband can check on our home from his cell phone while at work. It gives him peace of mind.
I know you would really like my Police Wife Struggles video series on YouTube.
You find yourself frustrated with your officer's unpredictable hours, feeling like he's "married to the job," and juggling life and parenting alone. After Sustainable Police Wife, you will wake up each day looking forward to your day, even if your spouse isn’t home, working nights, and tons of overtime. The solo parenting days go by so fast, because you’re out having crazy, fun adventures with your children. You will feel supported by a tribe who "gets you" and connected to your officer.
Does being a cop change your personality?
As a police wife of 11 years, I would say “yes”. I share practical tips and mindset shifts that are critical to make as a police wife to avoid or address resentment, frustration, overwhelm, and loneliness to make space for joy in my police wife course. It’s unique to share a life with a police officer. Here’s how my police officer husband has changed:
Less emotions. Overtime, your police spouse will adjust to seeing many awful things. To protect themselves, they may become more emotionless. There may not be many ups nor downs that you can see in them.
Less trusting in others. Sometimes I think Rick, my husband, doesn’t trust anyone. He sees way too many untrustworthy people at work, and that spills into our personal lives. If you are social, it’s important to encourage your spouse to still have friends over to your home anyway. Ask your spouse to do this for you.
Dark humor. Your spouse will be funnier! He will be quick with jokes. But, a lot of times his sense of humor will be dark. This is a coping mechanism to deal with all the junk he has to see at work. The awesome part is that you will become funnier as well! Joke with him. At first it might seem like too much. You’ll get used to it!
He may no longer like the things he used to like. Did your police spouse love Disneyland and now he doesn’t want to go? It might be because it’s crowded and it stresses him out. His hypervigilance doesn’t leave him when he leaves work.
Never off duty. My police husband carries his gun on him on and off the clock. He is told by his department that they are to intervene no matter where they are if crime occurs. My husband feels like he would be helpless without his gun, so he wears it on him 24/7. That can change his personality for sure. If you feel that he is experiencing burnout, then you may want to read my blog about supporting your spouse with burnout.
Being Married to a Police Officer
Check out my heelsandholster: a police wife devotional book on Audible.
The inside of my wedding band in engraved with “stop running.” Rick and I may have broken up and gotten back together a lot during our courtship that lasted 10 years. So, I say to you today Stop Running from being a police wife. Embrace it. Here’s how…
I remember those early days alone with baby Maverick wandering around a new city and new neighborhood alone while Rick worked the gang unit and was “never home” as I used to tell him. I would see Rick late mornings sometimes as he would wake up, eat quick, and then head back to work. My life was lonely. I resented Rick for his long work hours. When I told Rick that he was “never home”, it hurt our relationship and made him feel bad.
The process of acceptance is having a non-judgmental awareness and actively embracing feelings as they occur. I love this definition.
It’s a process.
It took me time to realize how I was lost in my own emotions.
I challenge you to take a step out of your feelings as if you are looking down on yourself.
Acknowledge your justified feelings of loneliness, resistance, animosity, resentment- it’s okay to have these feelings.
When I did this, I was able to see that mostly I was lonely.
What are you feeling exactly- pinpoint that- describe it.
Find the lesson or purpose for your feelings of loneliness, resistance, animosity, resentment.
I felt lonely when I was alone with Maverick all day. Rick was not the only person who could help me feel less lonely.
Why are you feeling that way?
Avoid your feelings of loneliness, resistance, animosity, resentment by addressing what you can control.
I joined a mom workout group where I could meet up with other moms and make new friends. I also signed up for Gymboree, a baby class. Meeting with other moms was a form of self-care.
Think creatively and plan ahead about how you can improve your situation to avoid your negative feelings in the future.
Find the good.
Instead of feeling resentful about Rick being gone, I thanked him for working hard for our family and being a hero to the city.
If you are feeling resentful towards your spouse, find the good in them. How do you they help you or your family?
Focus on the good.
I try to thank Rick every day or tell him what a good Dad or husband he is. Does it happen every, every day? No. But, I try. This keeps me thinking positive and helps him to feel better about himself and helps to heal our relationship.
What can you do each day to maintain focusing on the good? Is it saying it out-loud? Journaling? Texting?
If you’re still struggling with acceptance, please try out my heelsandholster: a police wife devotional book. Also, try this free month long challenge to be a happier wife, which will help you with acceptance.
Police Officer Marriage Issues
Yes, my husband changed after becoming a cop. But, this does not mean that it has to create police officer marriage issues. Embrace who he is. Accommodate him as much as you can without sacrificing your own happiness.
Work on your own self-care to improve your marriage by trying out my 10-day FREE police wife self-care challenge printable and my heelsandholster: a police wife devotional book.