Being a Police Wife 101: Being Married to a Police Officer
As a police wife of 11 years, I know this life well. My metropolitan police husband works a “4-week DP” in Los Angeles; the “DP” stands for “Deployment Period.” Once I learned that my husband’s work schedule was literally called a “deployment period,” it really hit home that we, as a police wives and families, make sacrifices. I have come a long way in the past 11 years, which share in my police wife devotional book, and I will share what I have learned so you can find peace as a police wife faster than I did. A new police wife sent me the message below after reading my book.
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A few things that can seem uncomfortable or frustrating at first that I have gotten used to and embraced are:
The schedule. Sure, your office works Tuesday, Thursday, Friday & Saturday “Eighteen hundred to oh six hundred” this week and then the opposite next week and, at first, you don’t understand the military time and why the heck he can’t have a consistent shift, but… eventually you’re blurting out the directions using East and West and his schedule feels like home.
Time away. You’ll feel like he’s married to the job. It’s either a shift, working, or training pulling him away. You feel like he’s missing out on so much. Maybe you even do less fun things so he doesn’t miss out. Finally, you stop waiting for him to be home, and you make memories anyway. And you make memories with him when he is home too. You store those memories extra tight in your heart until you can be together again.
Holidays, weekends and family plans solo can be lonely at first. You’re not sure how to respond when someone asks where your husband is. You feel insecure about it, because you genuinely miss hi and wished he was there. Over time, you’ll surround yourself with other first responder families and realize that you’re never alone. You’ll confidently respond, “he had to work,” and let it roll off you next time someone asks.
The Inside Jokes. Your officer is so funny all of the sudden, and when’s he around is work friends, especially his partner, he’s hilarious but you feel left out. They’ve gone through so much together, and you begin to see that the humor is a bandage for the wounds they’ve sustained. Eventually, you’re grateful for their bond. and have confidence that you are not replaceable. You create a safe haven for him to come home to.
I share how I have overcome those sacrifices in my heelsandholster: a police wife devotional and help you to shift your mindset and design your life for joy in my police wife course. In the course, I teach you how to get rid of resentment, overwhelm, frustration, and loneliness to make space for joy. Even as I share in Boots by the Door, a children’s book for police kids, our children sometimes feel sad when their police parent leaves for work. I share more about raising children of police officers in this blog that you don’t want to miss. Check out my other police kids book, Donuts at the Station too. Schedules caused the most arguments for us, but watch this video to see how we overcame them. We are not a military family, but, as a police officer wife or policeman’s wife, our husbands are “deploying” for the safety of our city, town, or county. It can be an adjustment as they come home from a few shifts and “realign” with the family routine.
As a police wife, many struggle with juggling the chaotic ever-changing schedules including police officers’ unexpected overtime and court, household chores, and caregiving for children by yourself. This could cause common police wife struggles, such as police wife depression or loneliness. You may also struggle with how to ask for help without being resentful. I will make you laugh about our common struggles with these 12 police wife memes.
Before providing some things I’ve learned along the way, we need address the elephant in the room.
We have spouses that are not 100% dependable; their job has to come first sometimes; not all of the time but many times.
Thus, we do have to take on more than an average spouse. Thank you. If not one has thanked you lately, I am. I see you. I appreciate you as a police officers wife or policeman’s wife. Check out my heelsandholster: a police wife devotional book, my husband’s memoir Why is Everything Wet, and a police kid’s book Boots by the Door on Amazon. I truly I can provide you with the police wife support you need as you scroll down.
What’s it like to be a police officer wife?
While we don’t want to define our spouses by their jobs, the reality is that they are a first responder and have unique circumstances due to law enforcement. Being a police officer wife can be very lonely and frustrating if we let the unexpected schedule changes, overtime, mandatory overtime, court days, etc. get to us. As police officer wives, we also have to get used to our husbands dealing with crime, danger, and literally risking their lives each time they go to work. The schedule challenges and the risks are two separate, but related issues.
Schedule. As a police wife, we are alone more in the evenings, weekends, and holidays than other wives. There is a silver lining though. If your officer works weekends, that means he might have some week days off to be able to attend your child’s after school extracurricular activities or other special events. A lot of police couples that are parents see the benefits of this unique schedule. Additionally, I have found that I create routines for myself for weekends or evenings when Rick is working, such as watching chick flick shows when Rick is working nights and meeting up with my girlfriends on weekends. We can thrive in the challenging schedules. The schedule is a huge challenge for many wives, but you can plan ahead and make mindset and practical changes to find joy living with the chaotic schedule.
Danger. A lot of police officers wives struggle with anxiety around the safety issues that our spouses face. This topic is impossible to holistically cover in a blog. It is very real, but how I deal with it is this-the statistics are in their favor to make it home safe. Fatal injuries are rare even though you may see them on the news, social media, etc. They are still very rare. Trauma, critical incidents and injury on duty that is not fatal is common as my husband has experience more than one injury; I found injury on duty as a theme in our marriage when I wrote my heelsandholster: a police wife devotional book. We can be strong in our marriages and face the injuries together.
Check out my police wife course to avoid or get rid of resentment, loneliness, overwhelm, or frustration and make room for joy and peace in your marriage.
You find yourself frustrated with your officer's unpredictable hours, feeling like he's "married to the job," and juggling life and parenting alone. After Sustainable Police Wife, you will wake up each day looking forward to your day, even if your spouse isn’t home, working nights, and tons of overtime. The solo parenting days go by so fast, because you’re out having crazy, fun adventures with your children. You will feel supported by a tribe who "gets you" and connected to your officer.
Support for Police Wives: Prevent Burnout
The first year after having our first son, Maverick, we decided that we would have opposite work schedules so our son would not need to be watched by a stranger. We did not have family close by. This is especially difficult as a police wife.
And neither of us slept for a year! I share more about this in my solo parenting vlog on YouTube.
It was the craziest idea we had. As a two-working parent household, we needed to ask for help. I learned that, because after getting daycare when Maverick turned one years old, I literally breathed better.
Think about your needs. You take on more than most. It is OK to ask for help. How can you ask family, friends, or trusted professionals for help to prevent burnout? Communicate with your husband about exactly what you need, why, and the consequences of not getting the help you need.
I share 42 “come to Jesus” growth moment in stories from my life as a police wife in my heelsandholster: a police wife devotional book. I know you will relate and grow as a police as you read.
Join me in a series of four 45-minute meetings via Zoom to bring you balance in your life without the overwhelm, frustration, resentment or loneliness. During our initial meeting, I will spend time listening to your strengths, challenges, and goals for our sessions together. We will prioritize three measurable goals to work on together. In the subsequent sessions, I will provide you will practical tips and mindset shift strategies to address your goals.
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Design Your Life to be Aligned with a Life as a Police Wife
We take on more than average wives. You will be alone more than other wives and solo parenting more than other moms. One tip I provide other wives is to give themselves grace and ask for help. A police wife shared that she ordered take out on an unexpected solo evening with her and her young baby. I love cooking healthy meals for my family and even meal prep weekly, but when necessary I give myself a break.
Coordinating the Chaos while Being a Police Officer Wife
If your husband’s schedule is anything like mine, it changes a lot. He probably gets a general schedule monthly, every six months, or each year. Once he gets that schedule, ask him for it. My husband lives day by day and it drove me crazy as a police wife asking him whether he was working each day or not.
Write those days/times that he is scheduled to work down on a calendar that works for you. I love using both a Google calendar and a whiteboard family calendar. I have this calendar low so our boys can see when their daddy is working. This is one tip of many that I share in this blog about raising children of police officers.
If your husband mentions that his department is anticipating a high need weekend or special event, but he is not scheduled to officially work, then write that down on your schedule too.
If your husband has court, please ask him to tell you. Write down your husband’s court days on your calendars too. I believe this tip will really help police officer wives.
Yes, that was a lot of writing, but having all of the official scheduled work days, special needs, court, etc. written down will help you to anticipate your family needs. But, it’s worth it. This is a lifesaver as a police officer wife.
You will learn more mindset and practical tips to design your life for joy specifically as a police family in my police wife course.
Feel More in Control & Plan ahead with a Police Wife Support Dry Erase Calendar
I love my Google calendar and so does this other police wife, but we both acknowledge the value of having a hard copy calendar visible to the whole family. She sent me a photo of a calendar she printed and used a magnet to post of her refrigerator. I also love this dry erase calendar. As she mentions, you can plan ahead breaks for yourself and anticipate anxiety or stressors by looking ahead with a hard copy calendar. It used to always stress me out when Rick was working a lot of weekends, so I would plan ahead play dates with my mom friends to avoid loneliness.
How to Be a Policeman’s Wife : Independence
Once you know your policeman’s schedule and anticipated needs of his department, this will help you to be more independent.
Whenever I see my husband’s schedule, which changes every 4 weeks for us, I look ahead to see if there are some weekends or holidays that my husband is working the whole weekend.
As a policeman’s wife, I make plans for myself and our boys for those solo weekends and holidays. Sometimes I schedule a play date for my kids or time with my mom. Sometimes I will just plan a fun activity for my boys and me. This gives me and my kids something to look forward to even if my husband will not be home.
It’s also important to remember that there’s a reintegration process that occurs when our spouses return home again for their first day off in a while. Learn more here.
Being a Police Officer Wife: Pride
A huge hurdle that I finally jumped after far too long was fully embracing the lifestyle that comes with being a cops wife. I had a teacher schedule with holidays and weekends off. Then, I married a cop…boy did his life look different than mine. Once I realize that his schedule was my schedule as well, we stopped arguing about his schedule and began shaping our lives around his schedule. I much happier as a police wife and we were happier as a couple.
I talk more about how I changed my perspective and things in our lives to find happiness as a police couple in this free YouTube video.
Pride and gratitude are the first two lessons in my police wife course, because without them it can be tough to move forward and design your life for joy.
Anxiety and Being a Police Wife
Juggling it all- the chaotic police schedule, overtime, court- can be overwhelming and cause anxiety. I cannot express just how important the following two things are to me in preventing anxiety:
Self Care- This means different things to everyone. For me, it means a slow, not rushed morning routine with an Iced Chai tea, working out 2-3x/week at home, cooking healthy dinners for our family most nights but giving myself a break with leftover and takeout nights, and fun with friends once a week. I can still have these things even though my police husband’s schedule may change all the time. You can still prioritize yourself.
Stable Routines- Regardless of the police schedule, you can still create stability in routines in your home life as a police wife. In fact, I pride myself in creating the stability in my home for my children. When Rick is home, he generally follows the routines I have created. An example of my solo morning routine is here. Rick and I also have routines around spending time together. For example, when he is home, we typically prioritize hanging out with each other after our boys go to bed. Of course, this happens different days of the week depending on his schedule.
You will learn to develop independence in routines and self care as a police wife in my police wife course.
You find yourself frustrated with your officer's unpredictable hours, feeling like he's "married to the job," and juggling life and parenting alone. After Sustainable Police Wife, you will wake up each day looking forward to your day, even if your spouse isn’t home, working nights, and tons of overtime. The solo parenting days go by so fast, because you’re out having crazy, fun adventures with your children. You will feel supported by a tribe who "gets you" and connected to your officer.
Life as a Police Wife: The Caregiver
Whether as a mother or simply in our roles as a wife of a police officer, we will nurture and provide caregiving. It was not until I put together the 42 “come to Jesus growth moments” in our marriage for my heelsandholster: a police wife devotional book that I realized that "injury on duty” was literally a theme in our police marriage. Rick has been on the police department for over 16 years. He has had two major injuries since we have been married in the past 10 years.
In those times when Rick was home, yet recovering from injury. I had to put on my caregiving hat. I embraced that role. In addition to caring for him two years ago when he was a major lower back surgery due to IOD and was bedridden for literally months recovering, I cared for our young boys. I did all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. I was also working. I was a bit on “auto” and would do whatever method was most efficient. For example, I folded the laundry right there on the floor next to our dryer before putting it away. I didn’t move it to another location and wait to fold it.
I tell you this story to tell you that being a wife of a police officer requires us to be strong and provide caregiving not just for our children but sometimes our spouses as well.
Help with Childcare as a Police Wife
I know it can be difficult, especially for police families, to find childcare that they can trust. It is so important that you find someone that you can trust to be a reliable source of help you for as you will often be solo parenting. My husband works about an hour away and cannot always quickly come home in an emergency, so at minimum decide on emergency childcare help whether it be family or a paid professional. We have had family referrals help with childcare providers, and once we found them, I felt like I could breathe better knowing I had help. I talk more about this in my solo parenting video series free on youtube.
Check out my police children’s book, Boots by the Door, written from the perspective of a son of a police officer.
Police Officer Wife: Trauma Healer
One day, we were at the movies and Rick gets a text that his unit was ambushed while serving a warrant and a fellow officer was shot in the face. This situation was all to familiar to my husband because his dad had been shot in the head on duty when Rick was just 5 years old.
I only know a handful of specific traumatic and critical incident experiences that Rick has had, because he does not like to talk about them. He tells me that talking doesn’t help. I have learned to accept that. Rick has told me that what helps him the most is just hanging out with me and our boys and working out. Rick works out 6 days a week. He loves Crossfit and Jiujitsu. I believe that his workouts heal him.
Okay, we aren’t exactly trauma healers, but I do believe that sometimes we look past just how much power we have in the home. We can create a happy home as a cops wife for our husbands to come to home to and relax. A happy home can be like a medicine.
Our home isn’t always peaceful. We have two very active boys with their own activities they love and toys around the house, but generally it’s a happy home that we try to keep tidy so it’s not chaotic.
When Rick works night shift, which he did for most of our marriage, I would also tidy up our home before I went to bed so he could come home to a nice house.
Self Care & Mindset Shifts are Necessary to Avoid Resentment as a Police Wife
You are the primary caregiver, not just for your children but often for your spouse. You are helping to create a happy home for him to heal in from the trauma at work. That is a lot to expect of one woman. Remember self-care- prayer, exercise, eating healthy and drinking enough water. Remember to focus on the positives. I suggest this gratitude challenge that a fellow police wife said she was loving in which she placed affirmation cards on her bathroom mirror.
Support for Police Wives: Build Your Tribe
A tribe may or may not be other wives of police officers. My tribe in a very important time of need were two mom friends that I met in a Facebook mom group. When my boys were babies and toddlers and just two years apart, I needed people around me. We didn’t have a lot of family around to help, but I had my mom friends. We didn’t exchange babysitting nights, but that’s a great idea that some people do! The thing that really helped me was preventing loneliness by scheduling play dates at a park or inviting my mom friends over to our house on the long stretches when I knew Rick was working.
Something else that really helped as a policeman’s wife was joining group fitness programs. I went to Stroller Strides, a local mom workout group. It got me out of the house with my baby each day and around other moms.
Police officer wives are wonderful to have as friends because generally they’re going to empathize with you easier than others. Many departments have police wife Facebook groups, so search for your department or local area group on Facebook.
Following police wife/community accounts on Instagram can help you feel less alone as well. Here are other tips to address loneliness.
Support Networks for the Police Wife Life
I loved how this police wife mentioned seeing a psychologist to re-create her support network. The police wife life is unique, our schedules are different than many other wives’, and we may lose friends when we adapt to this lifestyle. If that happens to you, please know there are many incredible women in the world who will have empathy and just “get you” even if they aren’t a police wife themselves. Re-build you tribe with new people who get you if needed.
Thank you for reading this blog. You might also enjoy my heelsandholster: a police wife devotional book or the following blogs:
12 Relatable & Funny Police Wife Memes That Will Make You Laugh & Feel Less Alone
Supporting an Officer with an Injury on Duty
Supporting an Officer with a Critical Incident
Productivity Hacks for Police Wives
How to Support Your Police Officer Husband
My Husband Changed After Becoming a Cop
4 Ways to Adjust to Your Spouse Coming Home from Shift after a Few Days