How to Improve Police Wife Depression and Police Wife Support Groups
Alone in a New City With a Crying Baby While He Works Long Shifts: How to Feel Supported Again
Before we dive in: grab my free 3 Keys to Knowing He’s Got Your Back training so you can feel heard, supported, and connected again.
Have you ever been home alone for days while your husband works long shifts or sleeps off nights, exhausted, touched out, and wishing someone would just ask how you are doing?
When I coach police, fire, and military wives, one of the most painful things women share is feeling unseen at home: waiting for him to wake up or get off shift just to take a shower or have another adult to talk to, while feeling like he doesn't notice how heavy the load is.
What pulls you out of that heavy, isolated season is building my Independent Daily Routines framework (getting out of the house every day and building a support network that doesn't depend on his hours), combined with Assertive Trauma Informed Communication and Gentle Observation so you can ask clearly for the help you need and both feel heard.
I remember hitting that wall myself right after our first son was born.
I had just moved to a new city with my police husband right before having our first son. I didn’t know anyone besides my husband. Family lived far away, and I didn’t have any friends there. My husband was able to take some time off but had to return to work after a month. My police husband was working long hours for South Central Gang Unit. I remember feeling alone and anxious with our first son. I could barely take a shower without him crying. I was feeling lonely, and being in a relationship with a police officer that works long hours contributed to that. Even after that, I have experienced solo dates due to his demanding work schedules, which I share in this blog. Keep reading for tips on specific police wife struggles.
Police Wife Struggles that Contribute to Police Wife Depression
Loneliness: Wives of police officers are alone more than average mothers without a specific time that our spouses might be home.
The Unexpected: We are not sure when help is coming. Our spouses often have overtime and we are left to be the chaos coordinator.
Sleep Deprivation & Exhaustion: Because more responsibilities are placed on us than the average wife and/or mother, we may be more sleep deprived and exhausted.
How to Overcome Police Officer Marriage Issues that Contribute to Police Wife Depression
#1 Attend Local Police Wife Support Groups or Other Classes
Attend police wife support groups virtually or in your area. Attend local groups or classes for women and m others if you are a mom. I signed up our son up for baby classes, which to be honest, are more for the parents than the babies themselves. I also found Stroller Strides, which is a workout class for moms with young children in strollers. The moms always made me feel less alone as all of us were tired. Just hearing that someone else was going through the same thing made me feel better. We could vent in a safe space. I have found two of my best friends in these mom groups that are still my friends six years later.
#2 Create a Solo Routine
Create a routine for yourself and/or your children (even though this can be difficult for newborns) as a solo parent that includes getting out of the house each day. You cannot depend on you spouses’ work schedule to create normalcy; you must be the one to create it. This might include going to a gym or group workout class. For mothers, it’s helpful to find places where you feel safe taking your children. I found gated in parks and playgrounds with accessible bathrooms for my kids and a mall that had a kid’s play place (and even small toilets for toddlers) for colder months.
#3 Ask for Help
Ask for help in completing household chores, such as cleaning or yard work, from professionals, family, or friends, so you can prioritize sleep and enjoying life when you have the opportunity instead of worrying about things like that. I recently asked my husband for a Eufy Robot Vacuum, and it the best gift he ever got me. I swear when I put it on at night when I’m going upstairs to take a bath, it brings me so much joy. It literally vacuums better than my Dyson, and all I have to do is press a button.
No4 Exercise Everyday
Exercise every day even if it’s just a walk outside with your baby in the stroller or baby carrying. I have always loved quick HIIT workouts, yoga, or Pilates for 15-20 minutes. I LOVE “MadFit” or “Sydney Cummings” on YouTube, which include free, intense workouts designed to target women’s bodies. You are not going to feel like doing it, but I promise that it will help you to feel more energized afterwards.
No5 Take Supplements
Try supplements. I cannot say enough great things about Ashwagandha, which helps with anxiety, sleep, and even sex drive. It helps reduce anxiety, so if that is contributing to your PPD, then it might help. Other police wives love it too, such as the review here from another police wife who takes it too and describes it as “calm zen.”
No6 Befriend Other Police Wives in a Police Wives Support Group
Find a police wife community who gets it. Check us out on Instagram! Also, many police wives have Facebook groups. You can search on Facebook “police wife” and your local city or area. It can be helpful to have a place to ask questions and/or vent.
I know you would really like my Police Wife Struggles video series on YouTube. I also have a lovely police wives support group on my Instagram page.
No7 Use a Family Calendar
Use a whiteboard monthly calendar or shared Google Calendar to keep track of your spouses’ schedule and events your family can look forward to. We know we must anticipate changes, overtime, court, etc., but these calendars can be so helpful for the family. My husband emails me his new schedule once he gets it. His department uses 30-day deployment periods so they do not correspond with the calendar months. I fill out the calendar with what we know about my husband’s schedule once I receive it. I even draw pictures on the calendar so my children who are learning to read can see when Daddy is working. I even write and/or draw fun school events, sports activities, community events, and vacations on the calendar so we have something to look forward to together as a family. Check out my other productivity hacks as a police wife here.
Picture this:
You have an Independent Daily Routine that gets you out of the house into sunshine, movement, and adult conversation every day.
You ask your husband once for the help you need at home using Assertive Trauma Informed Communication, and he steps up without an argument.
When you talk about your day, he puts his phone down, listens, and makes you feel truly heard.
You have a local or virtual tribe of women who get it, plus trusted help so you can actually rest and recharge.
Instead of dreading his long deployment periods or night shifts, you see your whole month mapped out on the family calendar with fun plans to look forward to.
You don't have to carry the loneliness and exhaustion of this lifestyle by yourself. Start with my free 3 Keys to Knowing He’s Got Your Back training.