4 Ways to Adjust to Your Husband being Home Again after Shift as a Police Wife aka Reintegration
You’ve spent 3-5 days alone at home with your family. You have managed everything independently with your solo parenting routines. You finally got your groove in your solo productivity routines, and then your spouse returns. The kids (and you) are so excited to see him. Everyone is bouncing off the walls to tell him about their week. Though many police officers return home to their family after each shift, if your family is anything like mine, your officer pretty much makes it home to sleep and then go back to work. On-shift days are nearly impossible to catch up nor is there time for your officer to help you around the house. Though when they can help, we are so grateful. It’s that “reintegration” back into the family routine that can be tough to adjust to. Keep reading to learn more about this and practical tips from my experience as a police wife for the past 11 years.
Also, check out my heelsandholster: a police wife devotional book and police kids books for more relatable mom and police kids stories. I am also here to support you with a police wife course aimed to help you shift your mindset and design sustainable routines as a police wife and mom as well as offer 1:1 coaching to mentor you through those nuanced details and needs specific to you.
I share daily tips for police wives on my Instagram stories like the ones below.
What do you when your spouse returns from their shift aka deployment?
1. Recognize that this is an adjustment for everyone
I know you may think it’s odd that I refer to his shift as a deployment, but my police husband works for Los Angeles police and their schedule is called a “deployment period” aka DP. Once this hit home for me, my mindset shifted. My husband is “deploying” away when he’s not home. While he’s not gone like in the military for months or years at a time, when he is gone, it does affect him. He changes a little bit each day as a result of his experiences. No wonder we need to adjust when he gets back.
It’s easy for me to think about myself, but this is an adjustment for my spouse and our kids. I had to put myself in Rick, my husband’s, shoes. As I told him that I was writing this blog he said that one day I told him that I needed him to support my routine. I had been with our kids for the past few days doing things a certain way, and it’s a big shift if he is suddenly home and expecting something different. He said he was glad I said that to him.
Speak openly with your spouse about how you feel. Also, offer a chance for your young kids to express how they feel about this by reading Boots by the Door with them, which shares a relatable moment for many police families.
2. Accept that routines will change when your spouse is there and when he’s not there
Sometimes I feel an annoyance that things are going differently than planned. I try to put myself in my husband’s shoes. He hasn’t been home with us or our boys for days. He wants to spend time with them how he wants. I am with my kids way more than he gets to be. I try to respect his time and space with our kids. In fact, sometimes our boys will ask, “can we go to the park tomorrow?”, and if I remember that Rick, my husband, is off work, I will tell them that we will “talk to daddy” about it. My husband is a very active dad and he often has things he wants to do with our boys on his limited time off with them.
I don’t always keep our schedules open to whatever Rick wants to do on his days off though. I talk about this more in my planning ahead tip at the end of this blog.
I have found that when we visit the police station, it helps me to empathize with my police husband. We hardly see him in uniform, because he changes out at the station. I can easily forget about the long commute to and from work or that he wears such a heavy belt with guns and weapons and tools to protect our community. I highly recommend visiting the station once or twice a year with your kids to increase your empathy. For the days that you can’t, read Donuts at the Station with your kids.
This was you: Headaches, exhaustion, and burnout have become your norm. His demanding schedule- feels like it’s always pulling him away. You’ve felt the resentment creep in. This will be you after this program: You wake up rested and ready to tackle the day with energy, whether he’s home or not. Solo parenting days are fun and filled with adventures with your little ones. You’ve established communication, reintegration, and date routines with
3. Communicate specifics
Last night was kind of chaotic. Our son, Maverick, took a big fall onto his back and conked his head on our hardwood floor right before we needed to leave the house to take my other son, Leonidas, to a violin lesson. I was home alone at the time. Long story short, I got an ice pack for Maverick after snuggling him for a bit and we headed out the door. Maverick was acting okay although there was a bump on his head. No ER visit necessary- just some rest.
When we got home, Rick was just getting home as well about 7:00pm after being gone for 15 hours from home. I told him that Maverick had fallen, but maybe I should have been more detailed, because he proceeded to ask Maverick to practice some jiu-jitsu move he had been working with on him lately. As Maverick laid down on the floor, he started crying saying his head hurt. Rick realized Maverick was in pain and told him to relax on the couch.
I realized that I should have been more specific about his fall.
When reflecting on this incident with Rick, he said that he felt that I did communicate effectively. Rick is typically a good listener, so maybe he didn’t want to hear what I said. Maybe he wanted to spend quality time working with Maverick on jiujitsu. I’m not sure the reason, but I was glad he felt that I did communicate.
Communication can be especially tough in a police marriage given the shift work and often we are on opposite schedules. I share practical tips on how to develop sustainable communication routines in my course.
4. Prepare ahead of time
I have heard other police wives say the same thing- they protect their spouses’ days off. Rick gives me his schedule whenever he gets it. His schedule is a 4-week deployment period known as the “DP” for Los Angeles police officers. When I get his schedule, which, yes, is subject to change, I write it down on a family dry erase calendar and put it in my E-Google Calendar. I try not to plan too much for our kids or family on those days. Of course, things come up, such as family birthday parties etc. I try to plan play dates with friends on Rick’s workdays, so that it’s family time when he is home. Because reintegration home is an adjustment for Rick too, I try to tell him ahead of time if we do have activities or plans on his days off so he can mentally prepare. Rick isn’t too social, so he literally must prepare himself. I also try to give him an “out” when it comes to birthday parties etc. I honestly don’t mind taking our kids to parties, but it takes energy out of him. He usually wants to attend our boys’ activities, such as sports, so I don’t have to give him an “out” for those.
I truly hope these tips helped you. If you feel that you need nuanced, individualized support, check out my 1:1 coaching. Also, read my other blogs linked below related to parenting.